1.51 Billion Dollars Doesn’t Buy What It Used To

A few times every month, it inevitably happens.  I get persuaded by my fat friends and fellow members of the Fat Council to suffer through a 20 minute walk to Stamp to engage in a food orgy at the campus McDonald’s or Chick-fil-A.  After I fill the cockles of my heart with even more plaque, I stupidly decide I’m in good enough shape to head to my last class of the day.

Of course, being that fast food from Mickey D’s or Chick has the effect of chugging a bottle of Exlax on my stomach, an emergency, terrible dump is in order, with my only options being the dreaded public bathroom.  Now, I’m not a coward(when it comes to bodily functions at least), so pooping in a public toilet is nothing too daunting for me.  And ever since they banned that guy who used to diarrhea all over the floor of the men’s bathrooms from McKeldin, dropping bombs on campus has been a semi-enjoyable experience.  Except of course, for the conclusion…


Hoooollllyyy shit.  I’ve never been to prison, but I can tell you right away that my ass knows what it’s like.  What the hell is UMD’s problem?  With a budget of $1.51 billion, why the tits can’t they buy some toilet paper that is not cut from a sheet of the most jagged, unforgiving sandpaper known to man?  And not only does it have the consistency of sandpaper, it also somehow is as thin as the skin of a hemophiliac.  So not only do you wind up shredded and feeling like you just spent a week sharing a cell with Bubba in Riker’s Island, you also end up with this terrible poo-rape matter all over your hands.   Fucking terrible.

Now, how about instead of wasting money on building gardens on-top of university buildings and funding horrible SGA-related things that nobody will ever care about, UMD puts some money where the sun don’t shine and give our bungholes a break.  We already get bent over by tuition price, housing and textbook pricing.  Let us enjoy the TP at least.


4 Responses to 1.51 Billion Dollars Doesn’t Buy What It Used To

  1. nkarpati says:

    THIS. THIS A MILLION TIMES. Either fold it like a billion times to protect one’s hands and risk bleeding, or not.

    I know you men only have to worry about it about once a day, if that, but for us poor lady folk its not a pleasant experience and if it can wait, it will.

  2. Arteest says:

    This post was F****** HILARIOUSSSS. That’s right, the four S’ were so necessary. LoL I totally agree with you on the jagged sandpaper. Just the other day I actually heard that the toilet paper we use at UMD is made via sweatshop labor or something. If that’s true, that might be the reason it’s so jagged and rough on the arse. Little kids making five cents a day in some other country would like to induce the anal bleeding of us privileged American college students. And it is that reason why I don’t eat at McDonald’s or drop deuces in the restrooms on campus unless it absolutely positively can’t wait for the journey home. #ThatisAll

  3. Pingback: (Imitation Post) You weren’t watching that were you? « TheeArteest

  4. Pingback: Getting McGangbanged « knoxboxer

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