ESPN is Punishing Us Because They Couldn’t Afford the TV Rights to Men’s March Madness

To millions of men in America, ESPN is a television staple.  While channel surfing, ESPN has got to be one of the first three channels you check, and late at night, probably every other man is woo’d to sleep by Scott Van Pelt making pop-culture references as the highlights of another Knicks loss floats across their screen.

March Madness should ESPN’s time to shine.  What better network to cover the multitude of games going on at once than the world’s biggest sports network, owning multiple channels to allow us to watch any game we want live.  Yet somehow ESPN missed out on acquiring the TV rights, which is bad enough, but then decide to try to remedy this by shoving Women’s NCAA basketball games down our throat all goddam day.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for women playing sports, competing, etc.  That and US law kinda mandates this equality, so I won’t waste time arguing about Title IX or anything.  But holy horsetits ESPN, you really feel the need to jam this crap down our throats?

The women’s NCAA tournament has got to be the worst thing ESPN has ever crapped out of Bristol, Conn.  Yeah yeah, we get it that they’re all fired up and play hard and even dunk once or twice a year.  Neat.  Mediocre level boy’s high school basketball gives you the same package, but at least one of them might turn out to one day play in the NBA.  Not here.

Let’s take a look at the box score for an opening round game that featured 9th-seeded St. Johns taking on 8th-seeded Texas Tech.  8-9 battles are usually a safe bet for entertainment in the men’s tournament, here, not so much.  A 55-50 upset that featured THREE players with double digit point totals, 47 points scored in the second half and six people driven to suicide by waking up with this blaring on their television screen.

To be clear again, this is not an attack on women’s sports (Prof. Lindemann please read that part again), but an indictment on ESPN for forcing this sub-par entertainment onto us.  Girls can play all the inter-collegiate basketball they’re terrifyingly large hearts desire, but please, for the love of slackers/drunks watching TV at noon on a weekday, stay off our biggest sports network, or at least stay on ESPN2.

What is particularly infuriating is how ESPN now feels the need to try to talk up the women’s tournament like it’s such an intense event.  Listen, when the best program in women’s bball history can’t even get people to show up to their tournament games, clearly the product on the court is just not very entertaining.  As Deadspin says in one of their latest articles, “…we’re talking about a competition in which a No. 2 seed reaching the Final Four is about as mad as March Madness gets around here.”

Finally, I don’t think I could bring up women’s college basketball without mentioning the biggest star, Brittney Griner.  Griner, who uses all of her natural talent (she is 6’8) to set the women’s record for blocks in a tournament (she is 6’8), dominate in the paint (she is 6’8) and slam dunk a couple of times (she is 6’8), has been lavished with praise from talking heads all over ESPN, with some people even bringing up the question of if she could play in the NBA. Yeah uh, hold on a second there.  According to Wikipedia, which is always right, she weighs 175lbs.  So you’re trying to tell me that somebody who weighs 175lbs and is only 6’8 could play as a forward in the NBA?  Yeah, I’m sure she’d be great at standing tall in the lane as Ama’re Stoudamire barrels through her.  And I can see her blocking a Pau Gasol layup, roaring in his face afterwards with all the grace of the woman she is.

Nah.  Listen, it’s easy to dominate basketball when you’re almost a foot taller than everyone else on the court.  Two years ago I worked at a park and a group of 9th graders asked me to play in their pickup game with them.  Guess what?  I fucking dominated those idiots.  You kidding me?  It’s super easy when you’re 6’1 and they’re big man is 5’8.  Miss a layup?  No problem, just jump again and easily get your own rebound.  And thats essentially what Brittney Griner does.  Sure those Division I athletes she plays against might be a little bit better than the freshmen I dominated, but basketball sure is easy when you’re the tallest player on the court.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though.  Thursday brings baseball, and with baseball comes Baseball Tonight, and things will be so very, very OK.

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7 Responses to ESPN is Punishing Us Because They Couldn’t Afford the TV Rights to Men’s March Madness

  1. Rocks says:

    I am in total agreement with you on this one. I was just having this discussion with a couple of my friends. I mean I have tried to give the womens NCAA tournament a chance, but I ended up changing to the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Aside from the womens tournament just being out right boring It does not help that the Mens NCAA is crazy good entertainment this year. Making the womens tournament look that much worse by comparison. Even just watching the highlights on sports center is unappealing. Even the announcers are not interested in what they are saying.

  2. Will Danger says:

    I don’t mean to set off any sort of flame war here, I just want to make sure you know what exactly you’ve written here.
    …Do you really believe this isn’t “an attack on women’s sports,” in addition to being downright medieval in its sexism.

    “Girls can play all the inter-collegiate basketball they’re terrifyingly large hearts desire, but please, for the love of slackers/drunks watching TV at noon on a weekday, stay off our biggest sports network, or at least stay on ESPN2.”
    Paraphrase: ESPN is for men. Women can have espn2, I guess, because I don’t really care about it. Let the little ladies have their adorably lame, legally-mandated sports, just don’t put it where I can see it.

    You’ve also managed to set up the analogy that men are to women as you are to 9th graders, which in addition to being uncreative, is some pretty fucked logic.

    As a final suggestion, I just might just suggest that you learn how to change the channel when things come on you aren’t interested in watching. Really, come on.

  3. jeb stuart says:

    The analogy is only to size you idiot. There is no men are to women as he is to 9th grader’s analogy. This isn’t the SATS so move beyond that. All he said is that the predator look alike Britney Griner dominates because she is way bigger than everyone. He compared this to the fact that he dominated kids who were smaller than him.. Where you find men are to women as he is to a 9th grader in that is beyond me. Just because you took the time to use proper grammar doesn’t mean the shit your spewing in this comment box makes sense. So if you don’t like what you read why don’t you just go on some feminist websites or go join the other 25 people at the NCAA Womens Final Four, because this obviously isn’t the place for you.

  4. i agree says:

    i’m a woman against women’s sports. they’re unbearably boring to watch.

  5. Samara Pearlstein says:

    I couldn’t agree more. What a lame thing for ESPN to do, I mean I am a woman and I respect the sport, but there is no denial that the Men’s March Madness is way more fun to watch then the women’s tourney. What I was particularly annoyed about was the alternate channels they chose to put the tourney on. I mean truTV come on, why in the world would anyone think to turn to truTV for a basketball tourney. At least keep it mainstream with CBS or NBC.

  6. jayspence says:

    As a women collegiate athlete I think you make a fair point. It’s just a fact men are more athletic than women, and as a result most often it’s more entertaining to see the physicality’s of the men’s game in action than a women’s. I’m not offended at all by this post, I think it’s kind of funny actually, and I think almost every man in the country would agree with you. Actually, to be perfectly honest I agree with it. I don’t want to turn on ESPN to watch women’s basketball at all, unless its the big wigs on the court, and even then I find myself struggling to sit and watch the entire game. However, at the same time, for a soccer player such as myself, it’s hard to get any ESPN time for my sport because Americans have yet to truly appreciate the game, especially for women’s soccer. That being said, I think I owe all the collegiate women ballers a BIG UPS for managing to get more ESPN time then the men, despite the fact their games are less entertaining to most of society.

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