Chafing Abroad: A Classless American’s Guide To Rome

So a few weeks ago I was lucky enough to take a second spring break and go and meet up with my sister, who is studying abroad in Rome for the semester.  Now I was lucky enough to travel to Europe a few times when I was a fat kid, but sadly I was a dumb American fat kid who had just discovered the glory of Pokemon Red for GameBoy color, so much of the rich culture and history of places like Paris, France were sacrificed in the name of getting my Metapod to evolve so I could stop using shitty “Harden” for every attack.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I grew up into an average American guy, one who is adequately educated through numerous public education institutions and can remember enough ninth grade history to know that Rome is pretty important for various reasons.  I also saw Eurotrip one time in 2004 so, with “Scottie Doesn’t Know” blasting from my iPod, I departed from Dulles Airport.

In lieu of boring everyone to the point that they slowly jam plastic forks into both their eyes by just talking about the sites I visited in Rome (SICK BRO!) I decided to compile a guide for other American idiots to go over and survive their time in Rome.

1. Wear UnderArmor Spandex as Much As Possible

Knowing that I would probably have to walk for periods of greater than 10 minutes at a time, I knew that chafing on my legs was a definite possibility.  Spandex is a must for pretty much any form of continued movement, but luckily I fucking suck and didn’t bring any.  Big.  Fucking.  Mistake.

On vacations like this, you expect to walk.  What I didn’t expect is just how goddamn much my suddenly active and mobile sister thought was acceptable.  Easily probably walked 4-5 miles a day.  Not only was visible swamp ass a very real possibility, my inner thighs started to look like the victims of a car-bombing in Iraq.  By the end of my second day there, I had to walk like a fucking moron just to alleviate the pain, bringing further embarrassment to America’s already pathetic reputation abroad.  Do yourself a favor and bring a pair of Spandex with you next time you take on the city of Rome.2.  Stuff Your Fat Face At All Times

Obviously since you are in Italy, you are going to crush food like a philosophy major on 4/20.  I cannot encourage this enough actually.  Even the shittiest, grimiest looking places usually have unbelievable bread and pasta.  Check this ish out:

Your stomach just got a boner, admit it

That is a big fat plate of potato gnocchi, and it will bring you to your pathetic knees.  Imagine a ton of little delicious balls of mashed potatoes inside of pasta and covered in awesome sauce.  Boom.

Eating is a must while you’re there.  No, not because the food is so good that you’d probably accept and invitation to a bathhouse with John Travolta in order to taste it, but because by walking all goddamn day and eating European-sized(read:  healthy) portions, you will never cease to be hungry while you are there.  For 5 fucking days I starved while dining on world class food.  Maybe all the Italians are fine with it because they chain smoke like a coked out sorority girl, but holy hell I struggled.  Do yourself a favor and gorge like any red-blooded American would, because you’re gonna need it.

3.  Go to McDonalds

This will make half of you reading laugh and shake your head, and the other half de-friend me on Facebook and swear to never talk to me again.  Yes Rome has the Coliseum, The Pantheon, blah blah blah.  Do you also know that they have the top ranked McDonalds in the world?  No you did not, because you’re spending your free time reading this stupid blog, but wow.  Wow is all I can say.  You know how you usually walk into McDonalds and are greeted with depressed fat people and a 17 year old kid behind the counter who cant speak English?  Yeah, this is what you see in Rome’s:

I think I'm getting another food boner

Fresh pastries?  Fuck yeah.  Is that fresh fruit you see elegantly displayed?  Hellll motherfuckin yeah.  Don’t worry about rushing in and downing a McGangBang as fast as you can before the diarrhea hits, no, please relax and have some natural and tasty souffle while munching on some fresh fruit.  This is why the Euro is whipping our ass.  Quality over quantity bro.  Anyways, after walking in you can head UPSTAIRS and into this grand ballroom:

And you can sit down in a clean and classy eating environment, demonstrated by my beautiful mom and sister:

Get the McBacon.  Trust me.  Tell em Joeymowa sent ya.

4.  Drink All The Time 

In America, especially College Park, public drinking is looked down upon, even scorned in some places.  Not here.  Casual beers could be had for two euro at almost any corner stand.  Any location, no matter how pathetic you may look in the eyes of the public and god, can potentially become that much better.  While most Europeans besides the Irish, British, Germans and probably the Luxembourgians look down on drinking heavily, with it being so easy and awesome, you almost have an obligation to do it as often and frequent as possible while enjoying this strange land.  Also, they have Duff beer.

In conclusion, Rome now ranks high on the joeymowa world city rankings, well ahead of Baltimore and Johannesburg, slightly behind New York and Dublin.  Join me next week when I dive into the terrible world of RJ Bentley’s.  Until then.

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5 Responses to Chafing Abroad: A Classless American’s Guide To Rome

  1. suddenly active sister says:

    wooo shout out in the blog/picture of me from behind at mcdonalds! i had a crispy mcbacon yesterday. fat family forever.

  2. jrittenberg says:

    I visited Rome last semester when I studied abroad in Prague. All you do is walk around that city. Did you get chance to check it florence? Probably one of my favorite cities I went to.

  3. jayspence says:

    Ok, so I don’t even know where to start so I’m just going to say I LOVE THIS post! I think it’s hysterical, and as someone who’s travel to several different countries throughout the course of my life, I can totally relate. I remember going to England when I was about 6 and only caring about my gameboy games, and it wasn’t until i returned my senior year of high school did I enjoy the true cultural beauties of the country. Also, I love your take on food. I love food, and great advice to eat, eat, eat ! However, the best advice you give here, by far, is the spandex. Can’t say I necessarily needed to wear them, but when you’re touring a European city, know you’re going to walk, and walk, and walk forever, and I agree, it’s IMPERATIVE that you to dress accordingly and comfortably, or YOU WILL SUFFER! I take wait to your guide on the next city you go to visit!

    jayspence

  4. pportugal says:

    I’m happy to see the McDonalds treatment you gave after the McGangbang (also, nice way to be self-reflexive). Rome looks sick. Also, I’ve found the infamous Duff beer up in this post. It seems that everywhere but the US has it. Is it that Matt Groening does like Tommy Lee Jones, and ship off to other countries to get doller bills.

    Also, props.

  5. Gina says:

    I’m super jealous about everything, minus the chafing. Kuddos to Italy for that McDonald’s, I went to one in England and it was nothing like that. Nice pasta pic.. but how amazing is a Roman cannoli? Those are definitely my favorite Italian creation.

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