WTF is This For?

 

Not to dwell on bathroom happenings again, but WTF is this for?  Using the bathroom above the South Campus diner, which hasn’t been updated since the football team was desegregated, I see this…thing at the end of a row of urinals.  Like, what could this possibly be for?  You have about a 4 foot space to work with right here, which is complete overkill.  Nobody has aim that bad.  Seriously, about the only thing I could see using this is one of the aliens from District 9.  Handicapped people have the stall, we have the urinals…it’s gotta be 9 foot tall prawns this is for, right?

If anything, this is just inviting douchebags like myself to poop in the urinals.  Not a smart decision by UMD.  You could practically sit down and finish the Sunday New York Times while party-logging this bad boy.  I just feel bad for the janitors over the years who have to clean this bathroom.  How many times do you think they’ve had to reach in and clean this thing with the amount of douchers put through this school over the years?  And for that I have to say:   Lo siento compadres.

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Two and a Half Men: The Most Mediocre Show on Television

7pm on a Wednesday night is the ultimate watching shitty tv time.  Nothing to do, it’s almost the weekend and you’re in the midst of an intense laying session.  Of course, network tv is horrendous, and you settle on Two and a Half Men because, well, Charlie Sheen is in the midst of a 6-month bender and you just enjoy seeing the man be a smug dirtbag and walk around in cargo shorts the whole time.

 

Winning?

 

Then you stand back and realize something spine-chilling:  This is one of the most successful shows on television.  Charlie Sheen, that prophet/cokehead, makes over a million dollars an episode playing himself.  His ambiguously gay brother whines the whole time, and his fat idiot son makes jokes about sex and eating a lot (LOL) and all of a sudden you just lose the will to live, let alone pick up the remote and change the channel.

Perhaps this is why the show attained such high ratings, as well as why nobody freaking cares that the show is now essentially cancelled.  For years, Two and a Half Men was the background noise on the tv as you cooked dinner, wrote a paper, contemplated suicide, etc.  With humor that really only appeals to people under the age of 15 and over the age of 60, most people belonging to the age groups that matter just couldn’t be bothered to care.  And because of this, one of the most successful sitcoms of the last decade or so will fade away with little fanfare or protest.  Crappy shows like Las Vegas at least have a handful of idiots who write to the network to try to save their douchey shows; Two and a Half Men has NOBODY.

Two and a Half Men will end, Charlie Sheen will die, and nobody will care.

1.51 Billion Dollars Doesn’t Buy What It Used To

A few times every month, it inevitably happens.  I get persuaded by my fat friends and fellow members of the Fat Council to suffer through a 20 minute walk to Stamp to engage in a food orgy at the campus McDonald’s or Chick-fil-A.  After I fill the cockles of my heart with even more plaque, I stupidly decide I’m in good enough shape to head to my last class of the day.

Of course, being that fast food from Mickey D’s or Chick has the effect of chugging a bottle of Exlax on my stomach, an emergency, terrible dump is in order, with my only options being the dreaded public bathroom.  Now, I’m not a coward(when it comes to bodily functions at least), so pooping in a public toilet is nothing too daunting for me.  And ever since they banned that guy who used to diarrhea all over the floor of the men’s bathrooms from McKeldin, dropping bombs on campus has been a semi-enjoyable experience.  Except of course, for the conclusion…

Wiping.

Hoooollllyyy shit.  I’ve never been to prison, but I can tell you right away that my ass knows what it’s like.  What the hell is UMD’s problem?  With a budget of $1.51 billion, why the tits can’t they buy some toilet paper that is not cut from a sheet of the most jagged, unforgiving sandpaper known to man?  And not only does it have the consistency of sandpaper, it also somehow is as thin as the skin of a hemophiliac.  So not only do you wind up shredded and feeling like you just spent a week sharing a cell with Bubba in Riker’s Island, you also end up with this terrible poo-rape matter all over your hands.   Fucking terrible.

Now, how about instead of wasting money on building gardens on-top of university buildings and funding horrible SGA-related things that nobody will ever care about, UMD puts some money where the sun don’t shine and give our bungholes a break.  We already get bent over by tuition price, housing and textbook pricing.  Let us enjoy the TP at least.

College Park Drink Review: Kentucky Gentleman

40 % Alcohol, 100% Evil

College Park Liquors carries a variety of spirits, and one can easily find almost any brand of liquor that they so desire for a festive night on the town.  However, because this is a state school and the majority of us are poor idiots, shit like KG becomes more popular than Middle School for pedophiles.  At a mind-boggling $7.99 for a fifth and $13.99 for a handle(!), it is easy to see how the crowded masses of College Park loves this type of bourbon.

The taste of KG is hard to explain.  Looking at the contents of the spirit might help, but then you see that the alcoholic content in the drink is actually a mix of bourbon and grain alcohol, with grain alcohol raping ass and coming out on top at 51%.  If there is one thing I definitely want in my bourbon, it’s grain alcohol.  The other 60% of  KG that is non-alcoholic is subject to much rumor and hearsay.  Some believe that every time a baby is aborted, Planned Parenthood blends up what is left and pours it in with the rest of the drink, giving you that soul-crushing pain that many have come to expect while/after drinking KG.  Others say that the majority of KG’s makeup involves horse piss, cow placenta and goat semen, which anyone from Kentucky would tell you sounds perfectly reasonable for a refreshing beverage.  Still others might just say, “Joeymowa, it’s mostly water you fucking idiot.”  Touche.

Boozemaster, a blog that reviews bars and drinks, says that KG is, “Like drinking the sweat of a drunk who drank bourbon.”  This, while hard to disagree with, overlooks two important things:

1) If you’re drinking KG, you obviously don’t care about taste because you just spent less than $15 for almost 2 liters of liquor.

2) After about 30 minutes of drinking it most of your taste-buds will be numb or dead anyway, so stop complaining you pussy.

Being drunk of KG is also a different experience as well.  Chugging 12 Natty-Light’s might make you fun, outgoing, maybe loud but mostly good-spirited, KG will make you violent, aggressive, stupid and pretty ineffective at being a decent human being.  But like the ex that KG will make you call 25 times in a row at 4:30 in the morning, some things you just can’t quit.  No matter how horrific a blackout you experience, you will be back.  Everybody always comes back.

Fat Dump of the Week: Eddy Curry

 

Pictured: A Professional Athlete
via athletetattoodatabase

 

Eddy Curry.  Eddy FUCKING Curry.  The name alone should send Knicks fans to the nearest Home Depot to buy the sharpest saw imaginable and immediately saw off their kneecaps.  What is it that the Bockers need right now the most?  (besides James Dolan getting an incurable disease)  Another big man to come off the bench to help out my man Ama’re.  6’11 center who has the potential to put up 20 and 10 on a nightly basis?  Sign me up.  Oh wait a minute…Eddy Curry is a fat piece of lazy shit who doesn’t care about anything besides his half time hot pockets.

 

As hoopshype points out in this incredibly depressing article, Eddy “Can I get BigMac sauce on my McChicken” Curry has been paid $50 mil since 2006 by the Knicks, while playing only 74 minutes since 2008.  It’s 2011.  Are you shitting me?    That means that toad has made $405,000 per minute played the last 3 years.  Or in Eddy’s mind, 67,500 large Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese value meals.

How did he get so fat you ask?  Simple.  While guys like Danillo Gallinari and Wilson Chandler were working out and generally not being sinkholes of saturated fat in the off-season, Big Eddy was going to the Atlantis Resort, swimming with dolphins an’ shit.

 

 

No that is not a doctored photo, thats my man BNiebs with fat Eddy a couple years ago, wet suit and all.  That big idiot with the cornrows was paid over $10 million for the year this picture was taken.  Process that for a second.

All in all, you do have to have some respect for the guy, though.  Dude has made close to $100 million in his lifetime, while mainly leading the league in most $5 $5 $5 deals converted and blocked arteries.  The complete lack of pride certainly needs to be acknowledged as well, as only the most pathetic of fat dumps could really just give up on the fame and glory a professional sports career promises, all in the name of Burger King.  Ironically, Curry will still be doing a lot of shooting for many years to come, though mostly in the form of insulin rather than jump shots.  Enjoy it fucker, you deserve it.

Sup Ma Nerds

 

Courtesy of Google Images Search and some blog called The Tattler

Welcome to knoxboxer, an overwhelmingly mediocre blog created partly because I am enrolled in a blogging class at the University of Maryland (thanks for the 30k in tuition money mom and dad) and partly because I figured its about damn time to have someone stand up and represent the inhabitants of the slums of College Park, the Knox Boxes.  Similar to Nas representing Queensbridge with his rap, I’ll be representing the Knox Box area with local drink and bar reviews, uninformed opinion pieces on sports, numerous posts making fun of nerds and dweebs, and some other crap probably.  Whatever.

The only things you need to know about me are that I am a Senior(soon to be Super-Senior) at the University of Maryland, I love being poor because I am an English major and I’m spectacularly average.  Besides my BMI of course…whaddup 150th percentile!

If you’re looking for an academic and informed blog, dealing with the pressing issues of our time, go throw yourself down a staircase.  If you’re looking to maybe laugh, or at least procrastinate a little bit more before finally doing work, grab a beer and join us.

-joeymowa