College Park Drink Review: Kentucky Gentleman

40 % Alcohol, 100% Evil

College Park Liquors carries a variety of spirits, and one can easily find almost any brand of liquor that they so desire for a festive night on the town.  However, because this is a state school and the majority of us are poor idiots, shit like KG becomes more popular than Middle School for pedophiles.  At a mind-boggling $7.99 for a fifth and $13.99 for a handle(!), it is easy to see how the crowded masses of College Park loves this type of bourbon.

The taste of KG is hard to explain.  Looking at the contents of the spirit might help, but then you see that the alcoholic content in the drink is actually a mix of bourbon and grain alcohol, with grain alcohol raping ass and coming out on top at 51%.  If there is one thing I definitely want in my bourbon, it’s grain alcohol.  The other 60% of  KG that is non-alcoholic is subject to much rumor and hearsay.  Some believe that every time a baby is aborted, Planned Parenthood blends up what is left and pours it in with the rest of the drink, giving you that soul-crushing pain that many have come to expect while/after drinking KG.  Others say that the majority of KG’s makeup involves horse piss, cow placenta and goat semen, which anyone from Kentucky would tell you sounds perfectly reasonable for a refreshing beverage.  Still others might just say, “Joeymowa, it’s mostly water you fucking idiot.”  Touche.

Boozemaster, a blog that reviews bars and drinks, says that KG is, “Like drinking the sweat of a drunk who drank bourbon.”  This, while hard to disagree with, overlooks two important things:

1) If you’re drinking KG, you obviously don’t care about taste because you just spent less than $15 for almost 2 liters of liquor.

2) After about 30 minutes of drinking it most of your taste-buds will be numb or dead anyway, so stop complaining you pussy.

Being drunk of KG is also a different experience as well.  Chugging 12 Natty-Light’s might make you fun, outgoing, maybe loud but mostly good-spirited, KG will make you violent, aggressive, stupid and pretty ineffective at being a decent human being.  But like the ex that KG will make you call 25 times in a row at 4:30 in the morning, some things you just can’t quit.  No matter how horrific a blackout you experience, you will be back.  Everybody always comes back.