Thursday Night Diary: Kinda Weird Edition

So I decided to attempt to do a diary of last Thursday night.  This is the result, with annotations to try to explain what the hell actually happened.  I apologize for the short length of the entries from that night, but typing about what your doing on a cellphone while you’re out drinking for your blog seems progressively dumber by the minute while it’s happening.  Hence the annotations.

6:42 pm: Standard pregame of Nazi Zombies, absinthe and beer.  Family size box of mac and cheese not sitting well.

So I brought back a bottle of absinthe from Italy like every American college kid to visit Europe ever, and decided since last week was one of the last Thursdays in college for a lot of my friends, we might as well go out with a bang.  Throw in some beers and some Nazi Zombies, and suddenly you’re having yourself a real nice little night.  Who knows, maybe we’ll even hang out with some girls tonight?  As for the family size box of mac and cheese, I have no excuse for that.  

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I’ll Take You Right Into the Dangerzoneeeee

Well after a horrendous week full of pretending to not be a lazy degenerate, the weekend is finally here.  Praise Allah, because if I had to give one more goddamn powerpoint presentation I was gonna snap and permanently move into the mountains and just live out my life stockpiling weapons and food for the zombie apocalypse.

Anyways, this may be entirely too ambitious, but I’m going to attempt to keep a running diary tonight of a standard Thursday night adventure into R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station, right here in College Park, MD.  Of course the odds of this succeeding are about as high as De Moss getting into medical school, but for the sake of literature and science, dammit I’m giving it a shot.  Rev up the engines and lets gooooo…..

College Park Drink Review: Kentucky Gentleman

40 % Alcohol, 100% Evil

College Park Liquors carries a variety of spirits, and one can easily find almost any brand of liquor that they so desire for a festive night on the town.  However, because this is a state school and the majority of us are poor idiots, shit like KG becomes more popular than Middle School for pedophiles.  At a mind-boggling $7.99 for a fifth and $13.99 for a handle(!), it is easy to see how the crowded masses of College Park loves this type of bourbon.

The taste of KG is hard to explain.  Looking at the contents of the spirit might help, but then you see that the alcoholic content in the drink is actually a mix of bourbon and grain alcohol, with grain alcohol raping ass and coming out on top at 51%.  If there is one thing I definitely want in my bourbon, it’s grain alcohol.  The other 60% of  KG that is non-alcoholic is subject to much rumor and hearsay.  Some believe that every time a baby is aborted, Planned Parenthood blends up what is left and pours it in with the rest of the drink, giving you that soul-crushing pain that many have come to expect while/after drinking KG.  Others say that the majority of KG’s makeup involves horse piss, cow placenta and goat semen, which anyone from Kentucky would tell you sounds perfectly reasonable for a refreshing beverage.  Still others might just say, “Joeymowa, it’s mostly water you fucking idiot.”  Touche.

Boozemaster, a blog that reviews bars and drinks, says that KG is, “Like drinking the sweat of a drunk who drank bourbon.”  This, while hard to disagree with, overlooks two important things:

1) If you’re drinking KG, you obviously don’t care about taste because you just spent less than $15 for almost 2 liters of liquor.

2) After about 30 minutes of drinking it most of your taste-buds will be numb or dead anyway, so stop complaining you pussy.

Being drunk of KG is also a different experience as well.  Chugging 12 Natty-Light’s might make you fun, outgoing, maybe loud but mostly good-spirited, KG will make you violent, aggressive, stupid and pretty ineffective at being a decent human being.  But like the ex that KG will make you call 25 times in a row at 4:30 in the morning, some things you just can’t quit.  No matter how horrific a blackout you experience, you will be back.  Everybody always comes back.