Chafing Abroad: A Classless American’s Guide To Rome

So a few weeks ago I was lucky enough to take a second spring break and go and meet up with my sister, who is studying abroad in Rome for the semester.  Now I was lucky enough to travel to Europe a few times when I was a fat kid, but sadly I was a dumb American fat kid who had just discovered the glory of Pokemon Red for GameBoy color, so much of the rich culture and history of places like Paris, France were sacrificed in the name of getting my Metapod to evolve so I could stop using shitty “Harden” for every attack.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I grew up into an average American guy, one who is adequately educated through numerous public education institutions and can remember enough ninth grade history to know that Rome is pretty important for various reasons.  I also saw Eurotrip one time in 2004 so, with “Scottie Doesn’t Know” blasting from my iPod, I departed from Dulles Airport.

In lieu of boring everyone to the point that they slowly jam plastic forks into both their eyes by just talking about the sites I visited in Rome (SICK BRO!) I decided to compile a guide for other American idiots to go over and survive their time in Rome.

1. Wear UnderArmor Spandex as Much As Possible

Knowing that I would probably have to walk for periods of greater than 10 minutes at a time, I knew that chafing on my legs was a definite possibility.  Spandex is a must for pretty much any form of continued movement, but luckily I fucking suck and didn’t bring any.  Big.  Fucking.  Mistake.

On vacations like this, you expect to walk.  What I didn’t expect is just how goddamn much my suddenly active and mobile sister thought was acceptable.  Easily probably walked 4-5 miles a day.  Not only was visible swamp ass a very real possibility, my inner thighs started to look like the victims of a car-bombing in Iraq.  By the end of my second day there, I had to walk like a fucking moron just to alleviate the pain, bringing further embarrassment to America’s already pathetic reputation abroad.  Do yourself a favor and bring a pair of Spandex with you next time you take on the city of Rome. Read more of this post