WTF is This For?


Not to dwell on bathroom happenings again, but WTF is this for?  Using the bathroom above the South Campus diner, which hasn’t been updated since the football team was desegregated, I see this…thing at the end of a row of urinals.  Like, what could this possibly be for?  You have about a 4 foot space to work with right here, which is complete overkill.  Nobody has aim that bad.  Seriously, about the only thing I could see using this is one of the aliens from District 9.  Handicapped people have the stall, we have the urinals…it’s gotta be 9 foot tall prawns this is for, right?

If anything, this is just inviting douchebags like myself to poop in the urinals.  Not a smart decision by UMD.  You could practically sit down and finish the Sunday New York Times while party-logging this bad boy.  I just feel bad for the janitors over the years who have to clean this bathroom.  How many times do you think they’ve had to reach in and clean this thing with the amount of douchers put through this school over the years?  And for that I have to say:   Lo siento compadres.


1.51 Billion Dollars Doesn’t Buy What It Used To

A few times every month, it inevitably happens.  I get persuaded by my fat friends and fellow members of the Fat Council to suffer through a 20 minute walk to Stamp to engage in a food orgy at the campus McDonald’s or Chick-fil-A.  After I fill the cockles of my heart with even more plaque, I stupidly decide I’m in good enough shape to head to my last class of the day.

Of course, being that fast food from Mickey D’s or Chick has the effect of chugging a bottle of Exlax on my stomach, an emergency, terrible dump is in order, with my only options being the dreaded public bathroom.  Now, I’m not a coward(when it comes to bodily functions at least), so pooping in a public toilet is nothing too daunting for me.  And ever since they banned that guy who used to diarrhea all over the floor of the men’s bathrooms from McKeldin, dropping bombs on campus has been a semi-enjoyable experience.  Except of course, for the conclusion…


Hoooollllyyy shit.  I’ve never been to prison, but I can tell you right away that my ass knows what it’s like.  What the hell is UMD’s problem?  With a budget of $1.51 billion, why the tits can’t they buy some toilet paper that is not cut from a sheet of the most jagged, unforgiving sandpaper known to man?  And not only does it have the consistency of sandpaper, it also somehow is as thin as the skin of a hemophiliac.  So not only do you wind up shredded and feeling like you just spent a week sharing a cell with Bubba in Riker’s Island, you also end up with this terrible poo-rape matter all over your hands.   Fucking terrible.

Now, how about instead of wasting money on building gardens on-top of university buildings and funding horrible SGA-related things that nobody will ever care about, UMD puts some money where the sun don’t shine and give our bungholes a break.  We already get bent over by tuition price, housing and textbook pricing.  Let us enjoy the TP at least.